Why You Over-Explain, Over-Give, and Still Feel Invisible
Have you ever made a really cool drawing, shown it to someone, and then immediately said, “It’s not that good, the sky is the wrong blue, and I messed up the tree…”?
Have you ever shared your last cookie, even though you really wanted it, just because you thought it would make the other person like you more?
Have you ever done something amazing—like get a great grade, or win a game—but then felt like no one really saw you? Like you were a ghost, waving your arms, shouting “Hey! I’m here!” but everyone just walked right through you?
If you have ever felt this way, you are not alone. This feeling has a name. We can call it “The Invisible Ghost Feeling.” It happens when you over-explain (talk too much about why you did something), over-give (give too much of your stuff, time, or energy), and still feel like you don’t matter.
But why? Why do we do this?
The secret is not in what’s happening now. The secret is from a long time ago. It’s hiding in a place inside you called your inner child.
Meet Your Time Traveler: Your Inner Child
Imagine you have a little version of you living in your heart. This little you is your inner child. They remember every feeling you ever had: the big joys, the big scrapes, and the big hurts.
Sometimes, a long time ago, that little you felt unsafe. Maybe someone was very angry, or someone made you feel you were “too much.” Maybe you got laughed at for a big idea. Maybe you felt you had to be perfect to be loved.
That little you got a wound. A “worthiness wound.” It’s like a tiny voice that whispers: ”You are not good enough just as you are. You have to earn love. You have to explain yourself. You have to give gifts to be allowed to be here.”
So now, when you’re about to do something brave—like share your opinion, or start a lemonade stand, or post a video online—that old inner child healing inner fear wakes up. It’s scared. It remembers the old hurt and tries to protect you by making you do things to be “safe.”
How do you get “safe”? You might think:
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“If I explain every single reason for my idea, no one can say it’s wrong.” (Over-explaining)
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“If I give them my cookie, my time, my help, surely they will see I’m a good person and let me stay.” (Over-giving)
But it doesn’t work. You feel tired, empty, and… invisible. Because you’re not showing the real you. You’re showing a “please-like-me” robot version.
So, how do we heal this? How do we tell that little you that it’s safe now? That you are enough?
We use two magic tools: Identity Anchoring and Voice Reclamation.
Magic Tool #1: Identity Anchoring (Your “I Am” Shield)
An anchor keeps a ship from floating away. Your identity anchor keeps you from floating away into someone else’s opinions.
Right now, the old wound might make your identity sound like this:
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“I am what I do for others.”
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“I am what people think of me.”
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“I am my mistakes.”
We need a new anchor. A true one.
Let’s build your anchor together. Get a piece of paper.
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Find Your True Rocks: What is true about you, no matter what? Not “I am a good soccer player” (because you might have a bad day). Deeper things. Like:
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“I am kind.”
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“I am curious.”
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“I am a good friend.”
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“I am brave for trying.”
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“I am creative.”
Write down 5 of these “I Am” statements. These are your anchor’s rocks.
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Say Them to Your Inner Child: Put your hand on your heart. Think of that little you. Say your “I Am” statements to them. “Little me, listen. We are kind. We are curious. We are enough just because we exist.” This is the start of healing your inner child.
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Use Your Anchor: When you feel the urge to over-explain, STOP. Touch your heart. Feel your anchor. Say one “I Am” in your mind. You don’t need to explain a rock. A rock just is. You just are.
Magic Tool #2: Voice Reclamation (Finding Your “No-Justify” Voice)
Reclamation means “getting back something you lost.” You lost your “no-justify” voice! It’s the voice that states something simple without a long, wobbly story.
The old, fearful voice says:
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“Can I sit here? I just, well, my friends are over there but I saw you and you looked cool and I don’t want to bother you…”
The reclaimed voice says:
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“Hi, can I sit here?”
Hear the difference? The first one tries to justify existence. The second just… asks.
Practice the “No-Justify” Challenge:
For one day, try these small acts of voice reclamation:
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Instead of: “I’m sorry, can I ask a question?” just say, “I have a question.”
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Instead of: “I want the blue one… unless you think red is better? I don’t know!” try, “I’ll take the blue one, please.”
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Instead of giving a reason for saying no: “I can’t because I have to, um, help my dad…” try, “No, thanks. I can’t do that today.”
You are not being mean. You are being clear. You are teaching your inner child that your wants and needs don’t need a permission slip.
The Big Story Shift: “I don’t need to justify my existence.”
This is the new story. This is the shield against the fear of judgment.
Let’s say you have a dream to start a business. Maybe it’s an online store for your bracelets. The old story screams: ”What if people think it’s stupid? What if they laugh? I have to make my website perfect and give extra bracelets for free so people won’t judge me!” This is the fear of judgment in starting a business.
But your new story whispers: ”I don’t need to justify my existence. I exist. Therefore, I have a right to try, to create, to be seen. My business is an expression of me, not a plea for approval.”
Overcoming the fear of judgment as an online entrepreneur starts here. You post your bracelet photo. You write a simple description. You don’t write a 10-paragraph story defending your design choices. You just say, “Handmade beaded bracelets for sunny days.” You trust that the people who like them will find them. You are no longer a ghost begging to be seen. You are a lighthouse, shining and letting others see your light.
A Peaceful Practice: Inner Child Healing Meditation
This is a special quiet time to comfort that little you. You can call it an inner child healing meditation.
Find a quiet spot. Sit comfortably.
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Imagine: Close your eyes. Imagine a safe, beautiful place. A cozy treehouse, a sunny beach, a soft blanket fort.
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Invite: See your little inner child—maybe at an age you remember feeling scared—walk into this safe place.
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Listen: Just sit with them. Do they look sad? Scared?
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Speak: Tell them the new story. “You are safe with me now. You don’t have to earn your place. You belong here just because you are you. We don’t need to justify our existence.” You can hug them, hold their hand, or just sit side-by-side.
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Give: Ask them, “What do you need to feel safe and joyful?” Maybe it’s to play. Maybe it’s just to rest. In your mind, give them that.
Doing this inner child healing meditation by Great Meditation (which is just a fancy way of saying this great, powerful practice of quiet care) tells your oldest fear that the war is over. You are the protector now.
Your Journey From Ghost to Glowing
Healing isn’t a race. It’s gentle steps. Some days, you’ll over-explain. That’s okay! Just notice it. Say, “Oh hi, old fear. I see you. But I choose my anchor now.”
Every time you state a simple “I Am…”
Every time you ask without justifying…
Every time you do a quiet inner child healing meditation…
…you are pulling a thread of light back into your heart.
You are not invisible. You never were. You were just looking for your reflection in the wrong mirrors—in other people’s eyes. The truest mirror is in your own heart, where your inner child now knows: We are here. We are real. And we don’t need to justify our existence.
That feeling of finally being seen? It starts when you see yourself first. And see yourself not for what you do, but for who you are. A worthy, wonderful, and completely non-ghostly human being.
Now, go shine. Your existence is enough.
https://youtu.be/QY5VCWevBDI
Why You Over-Explain—and How to Stop (Using Just 6 Words)
Do you have the tendency to over explain?
I do. As a high-empathy person (that’s a strength but it’s also a weakness), I tend to worry a lot about how others think and feel.
For example, have you ever done one of the following:
- In an email: Sorry for the delayed reply; it’s been completely crazy…
- When you can’t accept an invitation: Sorry I can’t make it; I have a very early appointment the next morning…
- When you give a gift: Sorry if it’s not something you like; I wasn’t sure what to get and…
The problem is, over-explaining kills your confidence. Additionally, you may actually add anxiety to the other person, who feels the need to assuage your feelings.
But why do you (and I) over explain? And how can you break out of it and become more confident?
Why you over explain
“Over explaining is a habit response where we attempt to rid ourselves of guilt or anxiety by providing a ‘right’ answer to someone,” explains psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera. “The root of over explaining comes from patterns of fawning or people-pleasing. Many of us believe in order to say ‘no’ or to not do something, we need to provide a reasoning that won’t disappoint or upset others.”
When over explaining you might notice it feels like you’re out of control and can’t stop talking. “This is because of the nervous system and the messaging it’s getting that saying no is a threat or a danger,” LePera explains.
“Many of us learned from a young age that being liked or approved of us is more important than our own limits and boundaries.”
The truth, though, is that most adults are capable of hearing no. Best-case scenario, they don’t think twice about it. And worst-case, they are disappointed for a short time, and then they get over it.
So, how do you get out of the habit of over-explaining?
How to stop over-explaining (with just six words)
To stop over explaining, you have to practice.
“Over and over again,” explains LePera, “until our nervous system adapts and our window of stress tolerance gets wider and wider. With practice, we’ll learn that people actually appreciate short, concise answers. And confidence in saying no actually creates respect between people.”
LePera recommends the following formula to help you break the habit:
The Appreciation + the no + well wishes
Here’s how it works:
“Thank you so much for thinking of me (appreciation). I actually don’t have time in my schedule right now (the no). I know it will be a great event (well wishes).”
“Thanks for sharing what you’re up to (appreciation). Right now I’m not in the market for [this product] (the no). I wish you the best with this (well wishes).”
“I love that you’re passionate about this (appreciation). I won’t be able to make it (the no). Let me know how it goes though; I know you’ll crush it (well wishes).”
Oh, and one more tip:
“If you’re a chronic over-explainer, you’ll notice a pull to make the no sentence long winded,” writes LePera. “Practice keeping this super short and not providing an excuse beyond what is actually true. (Ex: ‘I don’t have time in my schedule right now.’)”
Of course, for some relationships or situations, we owe an explanation. But many other times, there’s simply no need.
So, the next time you’re tempted to over-explain, remember the formula:
The Appreciation + the no + well wishes
Doing so will lift the burden of defending your choices…and give you the freedom to actually enjoy them.
Tend to Overexplain? This May Be Why
Mya grew up in a home filled with chaos and domestic violence. She was often punished for small things, and carried with her a constant fear of being in trouble. When worried that she may be about to be punished, her brain began trying to think of ways to excuse or explain whatever minor transgression had taken place. Even as a young child, she had learned the defense mechanism of overexplaining in order to protect herself.
While this may have worked, even somewhat, in childhood, it caused issues in her adult relationships. She often overexplained things that were not necessary. This caused her partner to become annoyed with her at times, and even affected her employment when her boss became suspicious of her tendency to overexplain.
"What should I do?" she asked during a session. So I gave her the following support:
Often, people overexplain when they worry that they are not being heard, understood, or believed. I usually find that this behavior has a root in childhood trauma experiences, particularly in people who have a history of emotional neglect or people who had to fear maltreatment or abuse from a perpetrator as a result of being in trouble.
The act of overexplaining is often a defense mechanism and stress response that comes from that fear of needing to “explain” oneself out of trouble. In the past, explaining may have worked to diffuse the situation or prevent upsetting the perpetrator (in many cases, the parents or caregivers of a child).
Experiences of trauma in one's family of origin affect the development of healthy information and social processing. As a result, many who experienced childhood trauma will interpret neutral or even slightly stressful situations as being threatening. This heightened stress response makes it difficult to regulate their concentration and information processing, leading to behaviors that are used in an attempt to self-soothe to decrease these negative feelings. (Van der Kolk, 2015; Perry, 2009) One of these behaviors is overexplaining, which can be their way of trying to ensure that they do not have that feeling of not being believed or understood.
If I tend to overexplain, what can I do instead?
The most difficult thing for some people is to realize they are doing this. Sometimes it becomes so second nature that they might not even realize it. This is especially true for those who overexplain due to autism, ADHD, or other situations. When a loved one feels comfortable enough to gently tell you that you're doing it, this can help. Sometimes my partner will tell me something gentle, such as "You're doing that thing you do," and I immediately am able to recognize my behavior and do a quick symptom check. Am I anxious? Am I worried I am going to be not believed? What else might be going on? This helps me inventory my feelings at the moment to see if anything is going on in a way that does not feel shameful or embarrassing.
As you develop self-awareness of your tendency to engage in this behavior, you can practice being mindful about it. Just recognizing and acknowledging it in your head is a great step, perhaps saying something like “I am oversharing.” (Or, if you are recognizing it in hindsight, saying “I overshared” is fine). The key is to acknowledge without adding shame or judgment. Saying, “I am oversharing” is fine. But saying, “I am so silly, I am oversharing again, no wonder people think I am annoying…” is unproductive and negative.
Next, get curious about your reason for oversharing. When you are engaging in this behavior, what is going on? Do you feel like others aren’t listening? Do you feel like you are having to explain yourself so you do not get in trouble? Is there a fear or worry behind it? Perhaps some social awkwardness that causes you to overtalk? All of these reasons are not necessarily good or bad, and should not be assigned as such. Let yourself get curious about the feeling that is happening in your mind and body when you tend to overshare, simply as a form of exploration.
Then, work on increasing your comfort with this feeling. For example, if you find that you overshare due to not being believed, practice sitting with the feeling of not being believed. What comes up for you? It is worth focusing on addressing that inner feeling. Likewise, if you overtalk due to social anxiety, develop increased comfort with not talking to fill the silence. Allow yourself to develop an increased comfort and desensitization to these feelings, and some should decrease over time.
If you overexplain due to autism, ADHD, sensory processing difficulties, etc., some of these tips may still help, along with developing increased comfort with who you are. I often tell people, “I tend to overexplain due to the way my neurodivergence manifests. If it gets too much, feel free to tell me that you understand!” The key is finding what you feel most comfortable with and what works best for you.
How can I support a loved one who often overexplains? I don't want to make them feel bad, but I want to help them realize they do not need to go into so much detail.
The amount and type of support will depend on the relationship. If it is someone you are close to, you may be more comfortable telling them than someone whom you do not know well, such as a coworker or classmate. You can start by saying things to them such as, “I completely understand what you’re saying," “I believe you,” or something else that conveys that you understand and follow them. Feeling understood will often decrease their need to overshare and overexplain.
Conclusion: From Explaining Yourself to Trusting Yourself
Over-explaining, over-giving, and shrinking yourself were never signs that something was wrong with you. They were signs that a part of you learned that safety came from being agreeable, useful, and easy to accept. These behaviors were survival strategies—intelligent ones—formed by a nervous system that once needed protection.
But survival is not the same as living.
When you constantly justify your choices, soften your voice, or give more than you have, you slowly disappear from your own life. The invisibility you feel isn’t because others don’t see you—it’s because you were taught to hide. And the healing doesn’t begin by changing your personality; it begins by changing your relationship with yourself.
As you anchor into who you are, reclaim your voice, and soothe the inner child who learned to fear rejection, something powerful happens. You stop performing for approval. You stop negotiating your worth. Your words become simpler. Your “no” becomes calmer. Your presence becomes grounded.
You don’t need to explain your existence.
You don’t need to earn your place.
You don’t need to give yourself away to be seen.
The moment you trust yourself, others feel it too.
And even if they don’t—you are no longer invisible to yourself.
That is real confidence.
That is real healing.
🌸 About Neeti Keswani
Neeti Keswani is the founder of Plush Ink and host of the Luxury Unplugged Podcast, where luxury meets spirituality. As an author, storyteller, and self-improvement coach, she helps conscious creators and professionals align with purpose, identity, and abundance through mindset transformation and emotional healing.
Her mission is to empower people to live with intention, authenticity, and joy — blending inner work with outer success.
Connect with Neeti:
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📖 Instagram — https://www.instagram.com/luxuryunpluggedpodcast/
💼 LinkedIn — https://www.linkedin.com/in/neetikeswani/
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