Changing Your Story: From ‘I Must Be Accepted’ to ‘I Am Anchored’
Changing Your Story: From “I Must Be Accepted” to “I Am Anchored”
People-pleasing is often mislabeled as a personality trait—that’s just how I am. But in truth, it’s something far deeper and far older than personality. It’s a survival strategy. One that formed in environments where connection felt uncertain and belonging had to be earned.
When acceptance felt conditional, the nervous system adapted. It learned to read the room, anticipate needs, soften edges, and stay agreeable in order to stay safe. Over time, this strategy became an identity: If I’m liked, I’m okay. If I disappoint, I’m at risk. What once protected you now quietly runs your relationships, decisions, and sense of self.
This is why people-pleasing doesn’t disappear with logic or self-help affirmations. It’s relational. It lives in the body, not just the mind. And every time connection feels threatened, the old story activates: I must be accepted to belong.
But healing begins with a reframe. You don’t need to become harder, colder, or less caring. You need a new internal anchor—one that says, I am safe even when I’m honest. I am grounded even when I’m not chosen.
In this blog, we’ll explore people-pleasing as a survival strategy rather than a flaw, and how changing your inner story—from needing acceptance to being anchored within yourself—creates healthier relationships, clearer boundaries, and a sense of belonging that no longer depends on approval.
Have you ever felt like you’re in a movie you didn’t choose? Like the script was written for you, and you just have to read your lines? Maybe the script says things like: “Try to be funnier so they laugh,” or “Don’t say what you really think, they might not like it,” or “Change your clothes, your hair, your hobbies to fit in.”
That old script has a title. It’s called: “I Must Be Accepted.”
It’s a story many of us live in. We think our job is to be liked by everyone. We twist ourselves into different shapes, hoping for a thumbs-up. But what if you could grab a giant, sparkly pen and write a brand new story? A story where you are strong, calm, and steady, no matter what? A story titled: “I Am Anchored.”
This is about Changing Your Story. And how changing your story can change your life. It’s not magic (though it feels like it!). It’s a real, step-by-step adventure. This is a life changing story you can change your life with, starting today.
Part 1: The Old Story – “I Must Be Accepted”
Let’s understand the old story first. Imagine a boat. A tiny, little boat in a huge, wavy ocean. This boat is you in the story of “I Must Be Accepted.” Every wave is someone’s opinion. A compliment is a wave that lifts you up high! A mean comment is a wave that crashes you down. A friend not texting you back? A huge storm! You are spinning, lost, completely at the mercy of the ocean. You are reactive. That means your feelings and actions are just reactions to every little wave.
This is exhausting! You have no control. Your happiness depends on what others say or do. This story makes you feel:
-
Worried before sharing your idea.
-
Sad if you’re left out of a game.
-
Angry at yourself for not being “cool enough.”
-
Always watching others to see how you should act.
It’s a shaky, scary way to live. But here’s the secret: A story is just a story. And stories can be rewritten.
Part 2: The New Story – “I Am Anchored”
Now, imagine that same boat. But this time, it has a giant, golden, unbreakable Anchor. The ocean waves still come—the compliments, the mean words, the good and bad days. But the boat doesn’t spin wildly. It might rock a little, but it holds steady. It stays in place. It is rooted, not reactive.
The anchor is your center. Your truth. The part of you that knows who you are, deep down. This is the new story: “I Am Anchored.”
Being Anchored means:
-
You like your own ideas, even if others don’t get them yet.
-
You know your worth is not a score given by others.
-
You feel calm inside, even when there’s chaos outside.
-
You are kind because you want to be, not because you have to be to be liked.
This is the power of Changing Your Story from “I Must Be Accepted” to “I Am Anchored.” You go from a shaky boat to a powerful, anchored ship. This is truly how changing your story can change your life.
Part 3: Your Superpower – Conscious Identity Recoding
Big words alert! Don’t worry. Let’s break it down.
-
Conscious: It means doing it on purpose. You are awake and making a choice.
-
Identity: That’s the story you tell yourself about WHO YOU ARE. (“I’m shy.” “I’m a leader.” “I’m not good at math.”)
-
Recoding: Like updating a computer game or rewriting a book. You are putting in new code, writing new chapters.
Conscious Identity Recoding is simply using your superpower of choice to rewrite the story of you. You are the author, the programmer, and the main character all at once!
Part 4: Technique 1 – Story Rewriting (Grab Your Sparkly Pen!)
This is where we start Changing Your Story. Words are powerful. The sentences in your head build your world.
Step 1: Catch the Old Script.
Listen to your thoughts for one day. When you feel sad or worried, what is the story?
-
“I must be accepted by that group to be happy.”
-
“If I fail this test, I am a failure.”
-
“No one likes the real me.”
Write these old “I Must Be Accepted” lines down.
Step 2: Write the New Truth.
Take each old line and rewrite it with your Anchored truth.
-
Old: “I must be accepted by that group to be happy.”
-
New: “I am anchored in my own joy. I choose friends who are kind and respect me.”
-
Old: “If I fail this test, I am a failure.”
-
New: “I am anchored in my ability to learn. This one test does not define my smartness.”
-
Old: “No one likes the real me.”
-
New: “I am anchored in my true self. The right people will like the real, awesome me.”
This is not pretending. It’s choosing a stronger, kinder story. Write your new sentences on sticky notes. Put them on your mirror. Say them in the morning. This is you, writing the life changing story you can change your life with.
Part 5: Technique 2 – Embodiment Practice (Your Body Believes You!)
A story isn’t just in your mind. It’s in your body too. When you feel “I Must Be Accepted,” your body might slump, your stomach feels tight, your shoulders are up by your ears.
Embodiment Practice means using your body to tell your brain the new story is true. You act “as if” you are already Anchored. Your brain goes, “Oh! My body is calm and strong. I guess we are anchored!”
Here are 5 fun Embodiment Practices:
-
The Tree Stand: Stand tall like a giant oak tree. Feet rooted to the ground. Imagine roots growing from your feet deep into the earth. Breathe. Feel strong and unshakeable. Say, “I am rooted, not reactive.”
-
The Anchor Breath: Sit or stand. Imagine a heavy, golden anchor in your belly. As you breathe in, feel it get heavier, steadying you. As you breathe out, feel calm spread. Do this 3 times.
-
Superhero Pose: Stand with your hands on your hips, chest open, chin up. Just for 60 seconds! This pose tells your brain you are confident and Anchored.
-
Voice Power: Say your new sentences (“I am anchored in my courage.”) out loud in a strong, clear voice. Don’t whisper it. DECLARE it.
-
The Rocking Boat: (A game!). Have a friend gently try to push you off balance while you stand in your Tree stance. Your job is to stay rooted. It shows you how to stay steady when outside “waves” try to push you.
When you feel the new story in your body, it stops being just words. It becomes your truth. This is how you make Changing Your Story real.
Part 6: Living “I Am Rooted, Not Reactive”
The world will still have waves. Someone might still say something mean. You might still feel left out sometimes. But now, you have your anchor.
When a wave comes:
-
Pause. Don’t react right away. Feel your feet on the floor. Do your Anchor Breath.
-
Ask: “What is my Anchored truth here?” (Not your old, reactive fear).
-
Choose: Respond from that anchored place. Maybe that means walking away. Maybe it means saying, “I don’t agree, and that’s okay.” Maybe it just means smiling inside, knowing the wave can’t control your ship.
You are no longer chasing acceptance. You are carrying it inside you. This is the ultimate change your life by changing your story.
https://youtu.be/p2GLy7yE-II
People-pleasing as a survival strategy: A relational reframe
"People-pleasing" is often spoken about like it’s a flaw – something to correct, unlearn, or pathologise. But in my work – and my heart – I see something else entirely.
I see people-pleasing as a wise, embodied survival strategy, not a character flaw. It is often formed early in life, in response to uncertain connection, unmet emotional needs, or the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) cost of not feeling like we are “easy” to love.
At its root, people-pleasing is a longing to belong. A yearning for safety, for closeness, for a continued relationship.
It is not about weakness.
It is about nervous system intelligence.
It is often born in childhood environments where authenticity felt risky, where disconnection was a threat, and where being attuned to others was essential for emotional survival. In these moments, our system makes a profound choice: stay safe by staying agreeable. Stay connected by being pleasing. Stay loved by staying small.
“Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.”
Relational reframes for people-pleasing
Instead of viewing people-pleasing as something “wrong,” we can begin to see it as something deeply protective, relational, and adaptive. Here's how we might gently reframe it:
- Over-caring for others at the cost of myself – a tender attempt to protect connection.
- A strategy I learned to feel safe in relationships – especially when emotional attunement was unreliable.
- A body-led response to avoid rupture – not a cognitive decision, but a felt-sense survival move.
- Relational over-attunement – being so tuned in to others, I forgot to stay tuned in to myself.
- Sacrificing truth for belonging – a wound that made sense in context, even if it hurts now.
- My heart is trying to create closeness by making others comfortable – even when it costs me something quietly sacred.
These are not excuses – they are compassionate understandings that move us from shame into curiosity, and from self-blame into warmth.
“The autonomic nervous system doesn’t respond to words or thoughts. It responds to feeling safe.”
Deb Dana
Gentle naming with compassion
If you see yourself in these patterns, you are not alone. Here are some gentle truths that may offer resonance:
- “My tenderness turned into overextension.”
- “This is how my body says: please don’t leave me.”
- “It’s the legacy of needing to be safe by being good.”
- “I was praised for disappearing myself – now I’m learning to stay.”
- “I learned to quiet my truth to avoid the pain of being too much.”
- “I thought love meant invisibility – now I’m unlearning that story.”
These are not signs of failure. These are signs of survival – signs of a body that worked incredibly hard to keep you safe, connected, and loved in a world that may not have known how to meet you fully.
Being trauma-informed means understanding patterns like this
In trauma-informed, relational work, we don’t rush to remove people’s coping strategies. We don’t shame the parts of ourselves that carried the burden of keeping us connected. Instead, we bring warm awareness, somatic safety, and compassionate presence to these patterns.
- We ask: What was this trying to protect?
- We wonder: What would safety look like now?
- We invite: What might shift if you felt fully seen, even while saying no?
“We cannot shame ourselves into healing. Only resonance heals trauma.”
Sarah Peyton
When your system finally feels safe, new patterns begin to emerge naturally. You don’t have to force yourself to stop people-pleasing. You can slowly learn to include yourself in the field of your own care. To attune inward as well as outward. To let truth and tenderness coexist.
You are not broken – you are adaptive
You are not broken for having needed this pattern. You are wise. You were doing what your system believed was necessary for connection and survival. And now, as safety and resonance grow, you may find that you don’t need to abandon yourself in order to be loved.
You can belong without betraying yourself.
You can be safe and still be whole.
You can be connected – and still be you.
People-pleasing isn’t a personality trait; it’s an old survival strategy. Let’s change that.
For years I thought being the ‘nice one’ was just who I was. I was the one who made peace, kept the mood light, anticipated everyone’s needs before they even asked.
I wore my people-pleasing like a badge of honour until burnout and resentment set it.
I came to realise that people-pleasing isn’t kindness, it’s a strategy, one many of us, especially women, learned early on to stay safe, accepted or loved.
If you grew up in a home where love was conditional, where approval was earned through behaviour, or where conflict felt unsafe… you might have learned to shape-shift. To make yourself easier, quieter, more palatable. That’s not a personality. That’s survival. It works….until it doesn’t.
Eventually, constantly suppressing your needs, overthinking every interaction and taking care of everyone but yourself starts to take its toll.
Burnout. Resentment. Anxiety. A chronic low-level ache that something just isn’t right.
So, what do we do?
We start by understanding that people-pleasing isn’t who you are, it’s what you did to stay safe.
And now?
You get to choose something new.
In my hypnotherapy work, especially with women in midlife, I see this pattern all the time. We hit a point where the old strategies just don’t fit anymore. The roles we played, the fixer, the one who keeps it all together, start to feel tight, restrictive and even painful. And that’s actually good news. Because discomfort is often the doorway to something more authentic.
Using therapeutic hypnosis and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), we gently unpick those old beliefs, the ones that told you…
- You’re only lovable if you’re useful.
- Your needs come last.
- It’s selfish to say no.
We rewrite the script, build self-trust and reconnect you to you; the woman underneath all the people-pleasing noise. That version of you? She’s not selfish. She’s powerful. Calm. Clear. And she doesn’t apologise for it.
If this hits home, you’re not alone. You’re just ready for a new strategy, one based on authenticity, not approval. You don’t need to become louder, harder or more. You just need to become you; unfiltered and unapologetic.
🌸 About Neeti Keswani
Neeti Keswani is the founder of Plush Ink and host of the Luxury Unplugged Podcast, where luxury meets spirituality. As an author, storyteller, and self-improvement coach, she helps conscious creators and professionals align with purpose, identity, and abundance through mindset transformation and emotional healing.
Her mission is to empower people to live with intention, authenticity, and joy — blending inner work with outer success.
Connect with Neeti:
🎙️ Luxury Unplugged Podcast — https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/luxury-unplugged-podcast-where-luxury-meets-spirituality/id1551277118
📖 Instagram — https://www.instagram.com/luxuryunpluggedpodcast/
💼 LinkedIn — https://www.linkedin.com/in/neetikeswani/
🌐 Plush Ink — https://www.plush-ink.com/