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The Story You Tell Yourself Changes the Story You Sell - Here's How

Imagine this: You've written an amazing book. You spent months, maybe even years, making every sentence perfect. You hold the finished copy in your hands, feeling proud. Then, you realize you need to tell people about it. Suddenly, that pride turns to fear.

What if nobody cares? What if you come across as pushy? What if you fail?

If you've ever felt this way, you're not alone. Most writers experience these fears. But what if I told you that the difference between successful authors and struggling ones has very little to do with their writing talent? The real difference lies in the story they tell themselves about marketing and selling their work.

In this article, we'll explore how the story you tell yourself directly impacts the story you sell to others. Whether you're a first-time author or have published multiple books, changing your internal story can transform your marketing experience and help you connect with readers who will love your work.

Why Your Story Matters More Than Your Marketing Strategy

Think about the last time you tried to market your book. What went through your mind?

Many authors describe feeling fear, overwhelm, loneliness, or worry about being "sleazy" . They tell themselves things like:

• "I'm a writer, not a salesperson"

• "I don't want to bother people"

• "My publisher should be doing this for me"

• "I'm not good at technology"

• "Nothing I try seems to work"

Here's the important truth: You can't achieve successful marketing results while telling yourself negative stories about marketing . When you dread marketing, your efforts will reflect that negative energy. People can sense when you're uncomfortable or don't believe in what you're doing. Your results will suffer, confirming your belief that marketing doesn't work or that you're not good at it.

This creates what's called a "self-fulfilling prophecy" - your beliefs create your reality . The good news is that you can break this cycle by changing the story you tell yourself.

What the Experts Say

Tim, creator of The Connection System, defines marketing as "the act of building long-lasting connections with people" . This definition changes everything! When you see marketing as building connections rather than "selling," it feels more natural and authentic.

Consider this example from : "Tim doesn't love marketing because he's good at marketing. He's terrific at marketing because he loves marketing. He loves it because he thinks it works. The way he thinks about it makes him feel excited about it, which drives the actions he takes, which create his stellar results."

Your thoughts create your feelings, which drive your actions, which produce your results. If you want to change your results, you need to start with your thoughts.

How to Discover the Story You're Telling Yourself

Before you can change your story, you need to understand what story you're currently telling yourself. Often, we're so used to our thoughts that we don't even recognize them as stories - we see them as facts .

Exercise 1: The Thought Download

Find a quiet place with a notebook or computer. Set a timer for 15 minutes. Now, write down every thought that comes to mind when you think about marketing your book. Don't filter yourself or judge your thoughts. Just let them flow onto the page .

Here are some common thoughts authors have, based on research from :

• "Somebody else—my publisher—should be doing this for me"

• "I don't want to be pushy and salesy"

• "I'm a nobody. I can't get any traction when talking to influencers"

• "I'll be ignored and never know why"

• "I'm bad with technology, so I can't build a mailing list"

• "My work is dumb and not worth much"

Do any of these sound familiar? Your thoughts might be different, but the effect is the same - they hold you back from effectively sharing your book with the world.

Exercise 2: Identify Your "I Am" Statements

One of the most powerful and potentially dangerous sentences you can construct begins with "I am" . Whatever you put after those words becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because your brain will constantly look for evidence to support this belief .

Take a moment to complete these sentences:

• I am ______ when it comes to marketing

• I am ______ when it comes to technology

• I am ______ when it comes to building an audience

• I am ______ when it comes to selling

Now, look at your answers. Are they serving you or limiting you?

Real-Life Example: The "Lazy" Story

One woman had told herself she was "lazy" for years . When she examined this story, she realized she had to ignore overwhelming evidence to keep believing it - she had been a straight-A student, worked since age 14, attended a top law school, and routinely worked 70-80 hours a week as a lawyer .

Her "lazy" story wasn't based on facts but on a coping mechanism she developed in childhood during stressful situations . Once she understood this, she could reframe her story from "I'm lazy" to "I'm resilient and have a natural ability to self-soothe during stress" .

How to Change Your Story and Transform Your Marketing

Once you've identified the limiting stories you tell yourself, it's time to change them. This isn't about positive thinking or lying to yourself. It's about choosing more accurate, helpful stories that serve you better.

Step 1: Question Your Story

For each limiting thought you identified in your Thought Download, ask yourself these questions developed by Byron Katie :

1. Is it true? - Is this thought absolutely true?

2. Can I absolutely know it's true? - Are there exceptions?

3. How do I react when I believe this thought? - What happens in my body and emotions?

4. Who would I be without this thought? - How would I feel and act without this belief?

Let's apply this to a common author thought: "Marketing is sleazy."

1. Is it true? It feels true sometimes.

2. Can I absolutely know it's true? Well, no. Think of brands you trust. Is their marketing sleazy? Probably not. Good marketing builds trust and provides value.

3. How do I react when I believe marketing is sleazy? I feel ashamed to promote my work. I avoid marketing activities. I feel uncomfortable when I do market my book.

4. Who would I be without the thought that marketing is sleazy? I'd feel excited to connect with readers. I'd look for ways to provide value. I'd enjoy sharing my work with people who might benefit from it.

Step 2: Find the Evidence

Look for evidence that contradicts your limiting story . If you believe "nothing I've tried has worked," make a list of everything you've actually done and examine the results . If you didn't track results, you can't say for certain that it didn't work .

If you believe "I'm terrible with technology," consider: Do you operate a smartphone and computer? Developers work constantly to make technology easier to use, and you can always ask for help .

Step 3: Create a New, Empowering Story

Now it's time to write a new story. Your new story should be:

• Based on reality

• Empowering and positive

• Focused on growth and possibility

Here are examples of transforming limiting stories into empowering ones:

Table: Transforming Your Marketing Story

Step 4: Anchor Your New Story with Evidence and Emotion

A new story needs support to feel real. Find evidence from your past that supports your new story . If your new story is "I'm good at building connections," recall times you've successfully built relationships with readers, other authors, or even on social media.

Next, associate positive emotions with your new story. Try this visualization exercise:

Each morning before you start your day, close your eyes and visualize yourself successfully living your new story. See yourself confidently sharing your book with potential readers. Imagine having enjoyable conversations about your work. Feel the excitement of connecting with people who love your book. Make the visualization vivid and detailed, and sit with the positive feelings for a few minutes .

Practical Techniques to Reinforce Your New Story

Changing your story isn't just an internal process - it requires new ways of thinking and acting. Here are practical techniques to help you maintain your new empowering story.

Technique 1: Cognitive Reframing

Cognitive reframing means identifying and disputing negative thoughts . When you notice a limiting thought, pause and ask:

• Is this thought true?

• What's another way to look at this situation?

• What would I tell a friend who had this thought?

Example: You're about to send a newsletter and think, "No one cares what I have to say."

Reframe: "Some readers will find this valuable. Even if only a few people engage, that's a meaningful connection."

Technique 2: Perspective Setting

When you find yourself in a negative story, try looking at the situation from different perspectives . Ask yourself:

• How would my ideal confident author self-view this situation?

• What would my favorite successful author do in this situation?

• How will I view this situation six months from now?

Personal Story: The Challenging Workshop

Alida Miranda-Wolff, who leads diversity and inclusion workshops, once had a participant who appeared to be fact-checking her during a presentation . Alida's initial story was: "She's challenging me because she doesn't believe in what I'm saying and dislikes me personally" .

Instead of staying with that story, she told herself a different one: "She's the most engaged participant here to be asking questions and fact-checking. She's challenging me because she's interested" .

With this new story, Alida approached the participant with curiosity rather than defensiveness. It turned out the woman was deeply engaged and trying to understand how to apply the concepts to improve her own leadership. She later wrote one of the kindest reviews Alida had ever received .

Technique 3: The Narrative Practice

Psychologist Dan McAdams studies what he calls "narrative identity" - the internalized story we create about ourselves . His research shows that people who find their lives meaningful tend to tell "redemptive stories" about their lives - stories that transition from bad to good, focusing on growth, communion, and agency .

Try this narrative exercise:

Divide your author journey into chapters, just like a book. For each chapter, identify:

• The key events

• Challenges you overcame

• Lessons you learned

• How you grew as a writer and person

Now, write your author story as a redemptive narrative - not ignoring the struggles, but highlighting how they contributed to your growth and eventual success.

Putting Your New Story Into Action

Your new story is only valuable if it changes your behavior. Here's how to ensure your new mindset translates into effective marketing actions.

Create a Marketing Plan Based on Connection

Instead of a traditional sales-focused marketing plan, create a "connection plan" with activities that:

1. Provide value first - Share useful content related to your book's topic

2. Build relationships - Engage with readers and other authors authentically

3. Share behind-the-scenes - Let people see the person behind the book

4. Invite rather than push - Create invitations to engage with your work

Develop a "Connection Habit"

Consistency is more important than intensity. Rather than occasional big marketing pushes, develop daily or weekly connection habits:

• Spend 15 minutes daily engaging on social media

• Send a weekly newsletter with value, not just promotions

• Reach out to one person in your genre each week

• Write one genuine review for another author each month

Track What Feels Good

Pay attention to which marketing activities feel good when you're operating from your new story. Do you enjoy:

• Creating social media content?

• Writing email newsletters?

• Speaking on podcasts?

• Writing guest blog posts?

• Attending live events?

Double down on the activities that feel authentic and energizing, and minimize or outsource the ones that drain you.

Maintaining Your New Story When Challenges Arise

Changing your story isn't a one-time event - it's an ongoing practice. You'll have days when old thoughts resurface. Here's how to maintain your new empowering story.

Create a "Story Check-In" Routine

Set a weekly reminder to check in with your story. Ask yourself:

• What story am I telling myself about my marketing this week?

• Is this story serving me?

• What's a more accurate, empowering story I could tell?

Build a Support System

Surround yourself with people who support your new story. This might include:

• Other authors who understand your journey

• A writing or marketing coach

• Mastermind groups of like-minded creators

• Friends and family who encourage your efforts

Practice Self-Compassion

Some days you'll fall back into old story patterns. That's normal! When it happens, don't beat yourself up. Acknowledge the thought, then gently guide yourself back to your new story .

Remember what Mark Twain said: "Habit is habit. It's not meant to be thrown out the window. It's meant to be coaxed downstairs a step at a time" .

Your Path Forward

Changing the story you tell yourself about marketing isn't just about selling more books - it's about enjoying the process of sharing your work with the world. When you shift from "I have to market my book" to "I get to connect with readers," everything changes.

Your internal story shapes your external reality. By choosing a story of connection, value, and authentic engagement, you'll not only sell more books - you'll find more joy in the entire process of being an author.

Practice Tip: Start small. Choose one limiting story to work on this week. Use the techniques in this article to question it, reframe it, and replace it with an empowering alternative.

Reflection Prompt: What's one story you've been telling yourself about marketing that's been holding you back? How would your marketing approach change if you no longer believed that story?