Emotional Intimacy in Marriage: The Missing Key for High Achievers to Fix Relationship Struggles & Loneliness

Have you ever looked at your life—a successful career, a beautiful home, a partner by your side—and felt a puzzling sense of emptiness? A silent question echoes: "I have everything I thought I wanted, so why do I feel so alone in my relationship?"

If this resonates, you're not alone. This is the silent struggle of the high achiever, the creative entrepreneur, the conscious leader. On paper, your life is a masterpiece. But behind the scenes, emotional intimacy in marriage can feel like a distant, confusing concept, leading to stress, anxiety, and a profound sense of disconnect.

In a powerful episode of the Luxury Unplugged podcast, host Niti Keswani sat down with Brianna Bass, a board-certified clinical psychologist and former corporate executive, to decode this very challenge. They dove deep into why people misunderstand emotional intimacy, how high-achieving women often sabotage connection by overfunctioning, and the intricate links between shame, ambition, and loneliness.

This blog post expands on that transformative conversation, providing you with a comprehensive guide to understanding and rebuilding emotional intimacy in your relationship.

What is Emotional Intimacy, Really? (And Why We Get It So Wrong)

We often reduce intimacy to physical connection or grand romantic gestures. But as Brianna Bass clarifies, this is the most common and damaging misconception.

"Emotional intimacy is not sex," Brianna states. "It's one form, but one of many. There's about eight forms of emotional intimacy."

So, what is emotional intimacy? It's the foundation of a truly connected relationship. It's the sense of being seen, known, and accepted for who you are at your core. It's built on a consistent practice of:

• Vulnerability: Sharing your true feelings, fears, and dreams without a filter.

• Authenticity: Showing up as your genuine self, not the "perfected" version you show the world.

• Empathy: Stepping into your partner's skin to understand their experience.

• Safety: Creating a space where both partners feel secure enough to be vulnerable.

For high achievers, this can feel counterintuitive. The corporate world, as Brianna notes, celebrates the opposite: stoicism, repressing emotions, and appearing unflappable.

"You're always strategic thinking about the next step... However, in relationships, couples, marriage, whatever your situation is, that is the antithesis of deep connection," she explains.

This conflict between your professional persona and your personal needs is often the root cause of the struggle. You're applying a "fix-it" mindset to a realm that requires a "feel-it" heart.

The 8 Types of Emotional Intamy: Building a Balanced "Intimacy Portfolio"

Brianna’s framework of the eight types of intimacy is a game-changer. Think of it like an investment portfolio. If one asset underperforms, the others can provide stability. The same is true for your relationship.

When life gets busy—work stress mounts, children demand attention—one or two types of intimacy might naturally dip. But if you've been investing in all eight, your relationship has the resilience to withstand the pressure.

Let's break down each type:

1. Emotional Intimacy
This is the core—the sharing of your deepest feelings, joys, sorrows, and fears. It's about being each other's first call with news, both good and bad.

2. Physical Intimacy (Non-Sexual)
This is different from the bedroom. It’s the language of touch that says, "I'm here." It includes:

• Holding hands

• A comforting hand on the shoulder or the small of the back

• Hugging, cuddling on the couch

• A playful nudge or a loving kiss

3. Intellectual Intimacy
This is the meeting of the minds. It’s the thrill of sharing ideas, debating topics (respectfully), and challenging each other's thinking. It's about connecting through your curiosity about the world.

4. Experiential Intimacy
This is built by sharing experiences and creating memories together. It doesn't have to be an exotic vacation. It can be:

• Binging a TV show and gossiping about the characters

• Learning a new skill together, like golf or cooking

• Tackling a home improvement project as a team

• Simply running errands together with a sense of shared purpose

5. Spiritual Intimacy
This involves connecting on a soul level. It could mean sharing similar religious beliefs, but it also encompasses a shared sense of purpose, wonder, and connection to something larger than yourselves—be it nature, humanity, or a collective goal.

6. Recreational Intimacy
This is about enjoying shared hobbies and leisure activities. It’s the joy and playfulness that comes from having fun together, whether it’s hiking, dancing, playing board games, or exploring new restaurants.

7. Creative Intimacy
This involves creating something together. It could be a business, a garden, a piece of art, or even the vision for your family’s future. It’s the bond forged through shared creation.

8. Sexual Intimacy
This is the physical expression of love and desire that is unique to your relationship. It’s vital, but as Brianna emphasizes, it’s just one piece of the puzzle. When the other seven areas are strong, sexual intimacy often becomes more connected and fulfilling naturally.

Actionable Exercise: With your partner, grade your relationship from 1-10 in each of these eight areas. Where are you strong? Where is there room for growth? This isn't about blame, but about creating a shared map for intentional investment.

The High Achiever's Trap: How Overfunctioning Sabotages Connection

High-achieving individuals, especially women, are often praised for their ability to "do it all." This habit of overfunctioning—taking on excessive responsibility to ensure things are done "right"—is a silent killer of emotional intimacy in marriage.

In the workplace, overfunctioning might get you a promotion. In a relationship, it creates a dynamic of parent and child, not two equal partners. When you constantly manage, control, and solve, you inadvertently send a message to your partner: "You are not capable." This erodes their sense of contribution and, eventually, their desire to connect.

You become the manager of the household, the social calendar, and the emotional labor, leaving you feeling exhausted, resentful, and lonely. Your partner, in turn, may feel marginalized, inadequate, and withdraw further. The cycle of disconnection intensifies.

Brianna’s work focuses on helping individuals step out of this trap. The transformation, as witnessed in her clients, involves learning to underfunction strategically—to create space for your partner to step up, to make mistakes, and to truly participate in the partnership.

The Warning Signs: Is Your Relationship Trickling Downwards?

You don't need a catastrophic event to seek change. Often, the signs of eroding emotional intimacy are subtle but persistent. Brianna offers a powerful litmus test:

"Your partner should be who you are compelled to call when things go well and when they go wrong."

Ask yourself these questions:

• When I get exciting news, is my partner my first call? Or do I hesitate, worried they might downplay it or poke holes in my excitement?

• When I'm struggling with stress or sadness, do I turn to my partner for comfort? Or do I avoid it, anticipating that they'll try to "solve" my problem instead of just listening?

• Do I feel the need to filter my true thoughts and feelings before sharing them?

If you find yourself pulling back, it's a significant alarm bell. Other signs include:

• A significant imbalance in the "8 Types of Intimacy" (e.g., you're only connecting physically or only when discussing logistics).

• Feeling more like roommates or co-parents than romantic partners.

• Constant, low-grade conflict or, conversely, a complete avoidance of any disagreement.

• That pervasive feeling of loneliness, even when you're sitting in the same room.

The "Life Pie" Exercise: A Tool for Immediate Awareness

One of the first tools Brianna uses with her clients is the "Life Pie" exercise. This is a powerful way to visually diagnose where your life—and by extension, your relationship—might be out of balance.

How to Do It:

1. Draw a circle. This represents your life.

2. Divide it into slices that represent the key areas of your life. Common slices include:

   • Career/Work

   • Romantic Relationship/Partner

   • Physical Health

   • Mental/Emotional Health

   • Friends & Community

   • Family (Parents, Siblings)

   • Hobbies & Interests

   • Personal Growth & Spirituality

3. Rate each slice from 0 (completely barren) to 10 (absolutely thriving).

4. Shade in each slice according to its score. A score of 10 would be fully shaded; a score of 5 would be half-shaded.

The result is a stark, visual representation of your life's balance. You'll immediately see the "bleak" or "barren" slices that are contributing to your feelings of emptiness and stress. Often, the "Romantic Relationship" slice is directly impacted by the over-investment in the "Career" slice. This exercise provides a non-confrontational starting point for a conversation with your partner or a clear focus for your own personal growth work.

The Role of Therapy and Medication: A Modern, Holistic Approach

A common question for those considering therapy is about the role of medication. Brianna approaches this with a balanced, client-centered perspective.

She emphasizes that understanding a client's use of medication—and recreational substances—is crucial for a full picture, as they can significantly impact mood and behavior. However, her approach is not to push medication but to understand her client's attitude towards it.

"I've noticed a trend... people are leaning a little bit more conservative. They're looking for natural remedies, holistic approaches," she observes, especially among younger generations.

The goal is always to start with the most conservative, holistic interventions first—like the therapeutic work itself, lifestyle changes, and relationship tools. Medication is considered a supportive tool, often in consultation with a specialist, particularly when dealing with clinical disorders like bipolar or schizophrenia where it is a necessary component of care.

The Ultimate Mindset Shift: Therapy as Prevention, Not Cure

Perhaps the most profound takeaway from the conversation is a shift in mindset about when to seek help.

"Perhaps I'm biased," Brianna says, "but I'm going to say that you should be going to therapy when things are great."

We often view therapy as an ambulance at the bottom of a cliff—a last resort when a relationship is in crisis. Brianna and Niti advocate for seeing it as a strategic investment—the guardrail at the top.

In a world filled with noise, burnout, and competing priorities, intentionally carving out space to work on your relationship is the ultimate act of luxury and commitment. It’s the practice of saying, "This person and this connection are my priority, and I will use every resource available to nurture and protect it."

About Niti Keswani and the Luxury Unplugged Podcast

This profound conversation took place on Luxury Unplugged, a podcast where luxury meets spirituality. Hosted by Niti Keswani, the show dives deep into the lives of high achievers, creative entrepreneurs, and conscious leaders who are redefining luxury.

This isn't just about wealth and aesthetics; it's about mindset, purpose, and living a life of intentional success. Through powerful, unplugged conversations, Niti and her guests explore the inner work required to build an authentic, fulfilling, and luxurious life from the inside out.

About Neeti N. Keswani

Neeti Keswani is a Business Storytelling Coach, Ho’oponopono Practitioner, and host of the Luxury Unplugged Podcast. She empowers entrepreneurs, creatives, and leaders to align with their soul, share transformative stories, and build soulful brands rooted in purpose.

Connect with Neeti:

• Website: www.plush-ink.com

• Podcast: Luxury Unplugged on Spotify

• Instagram: @luxurylifestylepodcast

• YouTube: Luxury Unplugged Podcast

• Collabs & Coaching: info@plush-ink.com

Conclusion: From Loneliness to Deep Connection

The journey to rebuilding emotional intimacy in marriage is not about adding more tasks to your to-do list. It's about a fundamental shift from doing to being. It's about trading the exhausting performance of overfunctioning for the vulnerable, courageous act of connecting.

It’s about understanding that binging a show together with shared laughter counts. That holding hands in the car counts. Seeing your partner as your sanctuary in a noisy world is the true definition of success.

By understanding the eight types of intimacy, recognizing the warning signs, and being proactive in your relationship's health, you can transform the quiet loneliness of high achievement into a deep, resonant connection that fuels every other part of your life. The spark isn't gone; it's just waiting for you to create the space for it to burn brightly again.

 

Transcript:

Neeti: If you've ever wondered, "What is emotional intimacy in marriage or in relationships?" If you're wondering why people misunderstand emotional intimacy so much, or how high-achieving women might be sabotaging connection by overfunctioning... If you've questioned how shame, ambition, and loneliness create a struggle within our success and our relationships... then you might have found some answers today in our podcast, because we have an amazing guest.

We have with us Brianna Bass, a board-certified clinical psychologist and a former executive. She has shared how high achievers navigate modern life, stress, anxiety, depression, and years of emotional baggage. But before that, let me introduce you once again to Luxury Unplugged, where luxury meets spirituality.

I'm Neeti Keswani, and I host the show where we dive deep into the lives of high achievers, creative entrepreneurs, and conscious leaders who are redefining luxury—not only in terms of wealth and aesthetics, but also about mindset, purpose, and living a life of intentional success. Through powerful conversations, we are transforming lives, and we continue to do so with each and every episode. I hope you enjoy this one.

And now, let's get started with Brianna. Welcome, Brianna!

Brianna Bass: Thank you so much.

Neeti: You're so welcome. We love to have you here. We have loads of questions on emotional baggage and intimacy, and you must be dealing with that on a day-to-day basis.

Brianna Bass: Yeah, absolutely. My clients typically fall into corporate backgrounds, or they are people who just want more from life—those who aren't going to be okay with just going through the motions and the status quo. So, like your audience, they want to be as fulfilled as possible in this one chance we get at life.

Neeti: So, being a former corporate executive and now a clinical psychologist, how does your background shape the way you're challenging traditional mental health issues?

Brianna Bass: It absolutely ties in. Coming from a corporate background is all about studying human behavior day in and day out. To survive in a cutthroat corporate environment, you better be very aware of body language, tonality, and tons of nuances. You're tracking that and pivoting in real-time. So, anyone in corporate has probably become a master over the years of figuring out, "What do people want? How do I get there?" You're always strategic thinking about the next step. A lot of that bleeds into therapy.

Neeti: So when people come to you, what are they typically struggling with regarding emotional intimacy? What do couples go through?

Brianna Bass: They're struggling with accessing feelings and accessing vulnerability—especially if they're coming from that corporate background. It's celebrated to suppress or repress emotions, to not get into our feelings. We want to be stoic, even-keel, and seem unflappable. However, in relationships—couples, marriage, whatever your situation is—that is the antithesis of deep connection.

Deep connection is based on vulnerability, sharing how we feel, being honest, being authentic, letting someone step into our skin and experience what we may be experiencing, and having empathy. All those things are not celebrated typically in a corporate environment.

So, a lot of my clients come to me and, on paper, they look great. Everything should be fine. Maybe they're in a partnership they're okay with, or they've got a decent job. Their health is okay. And they ask, "Why aren't I happy? Why aren't I thriving? Why do I just feel like I'm 'okay' inside?" They're confused because, on paper, they should be okay. So, we explore that. When emotional intimacy comes into it, I ask, "How have you been showing up with emotional intimacy throughout the last years?" And most often, the answer is, "I haven't been."

Neeti: So, in terms of a "before and after" transformation, what does that look like for these people? They're going through anxiety, depression, or tensions from relationships or workplace stress. How do you manage it, and what's the kind of result you're looking at?

Brianna Bass: The "before" client, before our work together, isn't typically in crisis mode. Life isn't on fire; it's not like TV and dramatic. We're not basket cases. But it's that feeling I was talking about: we're unfulfilled, we feel empty inside, something is missing. We've lost our spark. We've withdrawn from platonic relationships, romantic relationships, and hobbies. We're just burnt out.

The transformation, tangibly, is somebody who re-engages in those hobbies, reinvests in themselves, and gets their mojo back. You can feel it. You can feel their energy has improved. I see clients get promotions at work. Relationships start to become more connected and deeper; conflict goes down. Or perhaps they start dating again or find a partner. Those are the witnessable changes.

But transformation-wise, you should be starting from where you're at and then going to a place of higher self-esteem, better confidence, and moving through life in a way that doesn't feel as heavy and exhausting. That's what I see. A long-winded way of saying: you should be happier.

Neeti: What is one tool or exercise that you use with your clients that immediately shifts their awareness and makes them understand they need to work on this to get their spark back?

Brianna Bass: I talk with people a lot about the "pie" of their life. It sounds cheesy, but we look at the slices: career, platonic relationships, community, romantic relationships, immediate family, hobbies, and interests—things that make up your identity.

One of the first things we do is map this pie out. We see which slices are brightly colored and feeling really healthy, and which ones are a little bleak, a little gray, or completely barren. Usually, we can quickly identify the chunks where stuff is not going great. This is where a lot of our emptiness or "brokenness" may be coming from. So, we start tackling these items. That's the hard-coded, tangible stuff.

Then, of course, we talk about past trauma, baggage, and how they're bringing patterns they've developed into that pie, and how it's directly impacting it—for example, getting in the way of forming deep connections. So, an immediate tool is to look at your pie and figure out, "Okay, this is a great starting point on where I need to focus some attention and investment."

Neeti: Let's say a couple comes to you with emotional intimacy challenges—whether emotional or physical. How would you approach rebuilding that emotional aspect? Physical can be worked on, but emotional has to come from both of them, right?

Brianna Bass: You're completely right. The emotional aspect has to come from both of them. When it's disproportionate or inequitable, it just kills it. Both parties need to be participating, even if they show up differently due to gender, personality types, etc.

One of the biggest things I teach my couples is that emotional intimacy is not just sex. It's one form, but there are about eight forms of emotional intimacy. When we're lacking in one category because life happens—maybe it's the bedroom or quality time—we want to invest in all eight types so that we've got some equity in the bank. If I drop in one area, I've got other stuff that can carry us through.

A huge misconception is that emotional intimacy is just physical touch. It's totally not. Binging a show together counts! There are caveats—it's not just sitting shoulder-to-shoulder. For example, if you and your partner are really into a reality TV show and you sit and gossip about the people the whole time, that counts as connection. You're having a shared interest in that moment.

It can be as small as that. I invite my couples to start there. It could be going to a golf outing, even though one of you is terrible and the other is teaching. Then you reverse roles next time. Also, there's physical touch intimacy, which is different than bedroom intimacy. That's huge—hand-holding, a natural hand on your shoulder or the small of your back as you walk through a crowd. My point is, it doesn't have to be big, heavy, and dramatic with candlelit dinners to create intimacy.

Neeti: What are the behaviors someone could look out for as warning signs that their relationship is trickling downwards? What is that one thing to look out for?

Brianna Bass: As far as warning signs or alarm bells... everyone's different, but generally speaking, your partner should be the person you are compelled to call when things go well and when they go wrong.

If you find yourself not wanting to call them—and by "call," I mean talk to at home, text, etc.—I think that's a moment of pause. Why not? If I share something good, are they going to poke holes in it? Have a negative outlook? Bring me down? Or if I'm struggling, instead of supporting me and holding space, are they going to try to immediately solve my problem? "Did you talk to your boss? Did you tell them about that?" If that's not what you need, you'll turn to a friend or keep it inside.

So, that's a good alarm bell. Assess yourself: when something good, bad, or ugly happens, where do I feel myself pulling back from my partner? That tells you something's a bit off. And referring back to the eight forms of intimacy: if you're strong in one or two areas, but weak in the other six, that's also a great place to look.

Neeti: In today's corporate world, everyone is so busy and tied up with work. Stress can pull you down and affect your partner, who may react differently. So, not everything can be a warning sign. If it's been happening for a couple of months, is that when someone should consider therapy? Or should they first check in with themselves?

Brianna Bass: Perhaps I'm biased, but I'm going to say you should be going to therapy when things are great. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I see couples who are just dating, considering moving in together, engaged, and couples married for 30-plus years. All of them benefit from going into a room, carving out intentional space, and showing up in a way that says, "I'm ready to invest in this relationship," even if the house isn't on fire.

We're not talking about infidelity; we're talking about using our resources to give the partnership the best fighting chance. Today is so noisy, with so much stimulus from our phones, careers, and burnout. It's easier now more than ever for relationships to get off track with all the competing priorities and noise.

Neeti: When you work with your clients, is medication part of the treatment plan? How do you approach that process?

Brianna Bass: That's a great question. As far as medications, that's one of my first questions in every intake. I need to understand what they are taking, and that also goes for recreational drugs. I'll ask about smoking, drinking—all of it is relevant. I hope they're honest. The medications you're taking can significantly impact your behavior, thought patterns, and what's going on with you.

I also ask about their attitude towards medications. Is it ultra-conservative and a non-negotiable? Is it something they're not ready for now but open to discussing later? It's always part of our conversation.

I've noticed a trend recently—people are leaning a bit more conservative. They're looking for natural, holistic approaches. Younger generations, especially, don't want to just "grab the pill." My generation was a bit different, but it's cool that they're looking into more Eastern approaches.

Of course, I always recommend starting conservatively. I can loop in a partner to get into the weeds about psychiatric medications like SSRIs. The only time I might bring it up again and consult outside help or refer a client to a specialist is if I witness a disorder, like schizophrenia or bipolar, where I feel medication is necessary for them to be the healthiest version of themselves.

Neeti: That's fabulous, Brianna. It has been so lovely having this conversation with you. Hopefully, we're going to have some more mini-episodes. This goes really well, and our audience really wants to know more about emotional intimacy.

(To the viewers) Now, for my viewers: Have you seen how Brianna approaches her evidence-based, deeply empathetic, and radically transformative approach to understanding the emotional relationship challenges we all go through? If you found this interesting, please come back for more and keep watching the Luxury Unplugged podcast.

Alright. Thank you so much, Brianna.

Brianna Bass: Thank you.